Loss

So this all started on December 10^th, which was the night after our five year wedding anniversary. Sav had spent the night at my parents house and Candler and I enjoyed a grown up meal out at Knead. It was a fabulous low key evening. I woke up the next morning feeling warm, which was odd because I am almost always cold. I had the realization that when I was pregnant with Sav I was always warm because your blood flow increases. I also realized that I should have had my period that week….hmm. So I grabbed a pregnancy test from the closet and was shocked when two lines appeared. I told Candler who was a little more shocked because I hadn’t even told him my suspicions yet. We decided to go out to breakfast before picking Sav up. After eating some biscuits and gravy we headed over to my parent’s ward Christmas breakfast where Sav was happily running around the gym with my Mom. We said hello to a few old friends and then I spilled the news to my Mom in the parking lot. She was sufficiently taken a back since once again we hadn’t been trying for long. This was just according to my plan – kids would be 2.5 years a part. Oh how plans were meant to change.

So for 2.5 months we believed that we would be having a baby on August 12^th. I had my first OB appointment and my blood work all came back great. The day after my appointment Candler lost his job. So I called the OB and asked if I could reschedule my ultrasound appointment that was to be in the next week, once I knew what our insurance situation would be. Enter the drama of being unemployed, pregnant and trying to get insured. Our options for insurance were:

• Private Insurance
• COBRA  continuation of our existing policy
• Medicaid
• Pre-existing Condition Government healthcare
• Self pay

And now let me count they ways why it took me weeks to get it all straightened out that despite my best efforts we would end up with the most expensive option.

Private Insurance – Since I was pregnant there were only two insurance companies that even offered maternity care as an option. Insurance rules change when you go from a group policy with your employer to an individual policy. Apparently, the rules for pre-existing conditions have changed with all the Obama care modifications. But, until 2014 private insurers are allowed to deny you coverage if you have a pre-existing conditions. So both insurance companies refused to sell us a policy.

COBRA – We had two months after Candler lost his job to determine if we wanted to continue our existing health care plan. The only change would be that we would now cover the entire monthly premium that Candler’s employer had been paying. This meant that our monthly out of pocket costs would be about a grand for our family of three. Sticker shock. So we decided to hold off on denying/accepting coverage since we had until March 5^th to make a decision.

Medicaid – I applied for Medicaid, which there was a chance that we might be covered. But, because Candler received a severance check we had to wait until he started drawing unemployment for them to start evaluating our case. I still submitted the million page online application, with the understanding that Medicaid would possibly back date our coverage so out of pocket medical expenses might end up being covered.

Pre-existing Condition Government Healthcare – There is insurance that you can purchase through the government if you have a pre-existing condition and are unable to get insurance. The premiums were much more reasonable than COBRA and it appeared to be pretty good coverage. But, the catch was that you had to be uninsured for 6 months to qualify.

Self-pay – I contacted my OB and went over the costs if we went a self pay route. This would allow us to pay four payments by the 28^th week of pregnancy. If we got a job or got approved for Medicaid we would only be responsible for the balance that was not paid by either new insurance of Medicaid. This seemed like the most viable option since my OB care was the most pressing health care need. We’re a healthy family and aren’t on any meds so I called the doctor and finally set up my what should have been 9 week ultrasound for now the 14^th week of pregnancy.

Yay, we got it worked out! Monday morning at 10am we went to the OB and the ultrasound revealed that my body just thought it was pregnant. Where the baby should have been was just an empty gestational sac and a very large placenta (See this site for a good breakdown of what this is). Enter sadness. Can we call it a miscarriage? There never was a baby that developed but the aftermath is the same as if they had found a baby with no heartbeat. Why didn't my body naturally miscarry? I don't know. This is a common type of miscarriage, but not all women get elevated Hcg levels, positive pregnancy results, and do not miscarry. A sarcastic hooray for being an outlier. 

So now tomorrow morning I am going in for a D&C at the hospital. There are multiple options when you have a miscarriage, but because I am so far along the Doctor is concerned about bleeding and preferred that I go to a hospital instead of having the procedure at their office or an outpatient center. Enter insurance plan change once again. Obviously surgery is not free, so we decided to go with our only viable option - COBRA. I'm not sure if we will get approved for Medicaid now that I'm "not pregnant" and how wonderful that a private insurance company wouldn't deny me now. But, we have to cover our expenses now. So joy.

Add the additional stress that I already had major plans this week for my Jazzercise audition and workshop. I don’t have time for surgery. I’m supposed to be concerned about working out while pregnant, not figuring out who can watch my child while they clean out my uterus.

I was pretty emotional on Monday, but I am not worried about our long term future. Our bedtime prayer with Sav on Monday night was "Dear Heavenly Father, please let something good happen to us." And that got me crying because I feel like this year has already been really hard, how strong can I be? I know we will have more kids, I know Candler will get a job, I’m just realllllllly reallllly over 2012. I wished things had gone according to my plan this year. Instead I’m learning to trust in Heavenly Father’s plan for us and having faith is really hard sometimes. Anger doesn’t help even though I can’t deny that I’ve had some pretty nasty thoughts the past 24 hours. We will get through this. We will be strong. But, right now I am just sad that well, we aren’t going to have a little one joining our family in August.